My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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