God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
