I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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