Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
