my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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