i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I want a musical about memes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
