i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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