ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
