so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize