State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
