I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
