Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
