I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
