i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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