Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
