he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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