wrigley field is MILF paradise
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
