My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
