She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
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