I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
