Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
