my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
