thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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