I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
