Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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