I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
