Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
