She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
