I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
