As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
