ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
