the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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