My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
