I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
