I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
