You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Are my feet made of real feet?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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