i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
