woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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