If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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