My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
