A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
two words...techno handjob
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
