I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
