summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
