On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
