I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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