You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
50% drunk capacity currently
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
