good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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