make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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