Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
