we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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