No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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