I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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