hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
