I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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