Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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