New low: just hacked my moms facebook
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
